Somehow over the past six weeks, I've become a runner. When I say become a runner, I mean I run three times a week because that's what my Couch to 5K running app says I should do. Today I completed training week six. Today hurt. My calves were cramped. My thighs felt like jelly each time my foot struck the treadmill. Regardless of the discomfort, I was determined to complete week six.
My running commitment stems from wanting to put a bad breakup behind me. Last time I was training for a 5K race, my heart was broken. This heartbreak shredded my desire to run. At the time, I couldn't do much at all, let alone run.
As athletes know, actually let me change that, everyone who's breathing understands, our heads can be our highest obstacle to overcome. Not the blisters. Not the thigh chafing, but our minds. Grief. Depression. Anxiety. Worries. Doubt. Fear. To name a few capitalized hurdles, move into our paths.
When I started running again six weeks ago, I knew it would be challenging. This week was the most challenging so far for a couple of reasons. The first is obvious. There are just longer periods of time you have to run. The second was my mind. The last time I trained for a 5K, I quit after week five because that's when my heart was broken.
I procrastinated in actually going to the YMCA to complete today's session, but eventually, I was in the car and on my way there. As I walked into the fitness room, I followed my usual routine. Over the years I've noticed following routines help me to feel at peace. Having this calm headspace would prepare me for today's longer distance. Thus, my headphones went into my ears. I pressed play on Miranavator's Spotify playlist. I grabbed two towels and sprayed one with disinfectant before picking a treadmill. Then I turned on TBS so I could watch FRIENDS on mute with captions.
As Monica delivered the worst speech ever at her parents' 35th-anniversary party, I began to feel the smooth, shiny scars on my heart. I noticed they were there. In the past, those scars created physical hurdles I couldn't overcome. So I acknowledged them. I acknowledged my calve cramps. I acknowledged my jelly thighs. And I kept running. Today those scars are what helped me to overcome my physical pain. Those scars will continue to heal and running may be one way to help those scars fade. Here's to week seven.
My running commitment stems from wanting to put a bad breakup behind me. Last time I was training for a 5K race, my heart was broken. This heartbreak shredded my desire to run. At the time, I couldn't do much at all, let alone run.
As athletes know, actually let me change that, everyone who's breathing understands, our heads can be our highest obstacle to overcome. Not the blisters. Not the thigh chafing, but our minds. Grief. Depression. Anxiety. Worries. Doubt. Fear. To name a few capitalized hurdles, move into our paths.
When I started running again six weeks ago, I knew it would be challenging. This week was the most challenging so far for a couple of reasons. The first is obvious. There are just longer periods of time you have to run. The second was my mind. The last time I trained for a 5K, I quit after week five because that's when my heart was broken.
I procrastinated in actually going to the YMCA to complete today's session, but eventually, I was in the car and on my way there. As I walked into the fitness room, I followed my usual routine. Over the years I've noticed following routines help me to feel at peace. Having this calm headspace would prepare me for today's longer distance. Thus, my headphones went into my ears. I pressed play on Miranavator's Spotify playlist. I grabbed two towels and sprayed one with disinfectant before picking a treadmill. Then I turned on TBS so I could watch FRIENDS on mute with captions.
As Monica delivered the worst speech ever at her parents' 35th-anniversary party, I began to feel the smooth, shiny scars on my heart. I noticed they were there. In the past, those scars created physical hurdles I couldn't overcome. So I acknowledged them. I acknowledged my calve cramps. I acknowledged my jelly thighs. And I kept running. Today those scars are what helped me to overcome my physical pain. Those scars will continue to heal and running may be one way to help those scars fade. Here's to week seven.
I’m a tad jealous of your ability to run. It’s something I’ve never been well equipped for and now can’t do. But I know that struggle to get to the gym and the way pain—physical and emotional—stand in the way of our doing things that ultimately benefit our bodies and souls. And why do we women give others so much power over us that even when they are out of our lives we still let them have control of our choices? As you train, may you run toward the good instead of away from the bad.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about women and our choices. For me, doing something physical, be it exercise or writing or even just sitting on a bench outdoors, helps give me my power and strength back. Thank you for the running well wishes.
DeleteGo you! I also got in to running after a heartbreak (my divorce). There is something about physical pain and pushing through that helps heal a broken heart. Keep running!
ReplyDeleteYes! Exactly. For me too, I need to do something physical to move those emotions. I'm glad I'm not the only one who needs to do this and have others in this community who understand this form of healing. Thanks for the support.
DeleteRunning is SO hard. Heartbreak is SO hard. I too have found that running can be soothing for the soul....and my inner thoughts. I hope week 7 brings you more clarity and less leg cramping! You can do it! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks! Wishing for both of those too. Appreciate your support!
DeleteYes I really admire those who can run, well done, whatever the reason! All my kids run or exercise on a daily basis and I'm really proud of them. Your descriptions are very accurate and so glad you can acknowledge the heartbreak and it will heal!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support. And you are right about the healing, for me doing something physical always helps to move my emotions forward.
DeleteMy favorite line of your piece was: "I began to feel the smooth, shiny scars on my heart." It seems hopeful because it suggests that healing has already begun.
ReplyDeleteThanks for noticing that. It was intentional choice as they are there and always will be but that the healing and closing of those wounds has happened.
DeleteSuch a feeling of familiarity to read the name of your blog...like bumping into an old friend! Well done for getting through week six Meg, you have got this.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nitasha for the writing encouragement and running support too. Appreciate the community over the years and across the miles.
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